22 years, almost a quarter of a century. That's how long I've been in school for. Now on the other side of two business degrees, I have (for some unknown reason) begun to ask myself what the experience was all for? And what I have received out of this experience for myself?
I am grateful for having had the academic experience I did, and in no way am I trashing undergraduate or graduate educational degrees. I grew a lot during during my educational journey. However, there was a tremendous amount of hustle involved in the process. I exerted myself beyond my assumed limits, and gained new ones along the way. I am also incredibly exhausted from the whole experience.
I cannot count the number of written exams, oral exams, presentations, quizzes, group assignments, papers, and extra credit assignments I've done over the past number of years. I busted my ass getting through undergraduate and graduate business school, pulled endless all-nighters, and amassed decent grades and two to confirm the mental ass kicking I received. What I'm left with after the entire experience is some type of measurable business knowledge, the ability to maintain a very busy schedule, garnished with some anxiety and depression. Consequently I'm currently engaged in the struggle become intentional about rest; rest for my mind, body, and spirit.
The Necessity of Rest
Being intentional about cultivating rest was a largely a foreign concept for me growing up in an Angolan home in Papua New Guinea, and it wasn't something I saw emulated by those closest to me within my own community. This is the other side of “the hustle” that I wish we would talk more about. The necessity of rest, simply because we're human and we need it. Especially among businesspeople and those serious about plying their trade, I sense the idea that hard work is a prerequisite to achievement. However given that we are human, perhaps we could benefit from resting and playing just as “hard” as we hustle?
I'm sharing this because precisely because perhaps doing so will allow my audience and myself to ask honest questions that lead to real solutions to the challenge of intentionally cultivating rest.
Underlying Assumptions
About two years ago i started seriously asking myself why I find it so hard to rest. While I haven't uncovered all of my reason for my restlessness, I'd like to share some of the underlying assumptions I hold and have held about myself and the incessant need to hustle. My hope is that while you may or may not share my assumptions, that you would join me in asking yourself similarly why you struggle to rest.
Exhaustion is a Status Symbol
I have kinda strangely enjoyed telling people how exhausted I am from all of the things I'm doing. It has definitely stroked my ego to tell a friend, family member, or coworker that “I just do exhausted from doing _______”. I feel that by saying this, people will likely admire my hustle and work ethic. What's funny is that as I'm boasting about how exhausted I feel, I know that I need rest, and they probably do too. However, actually stopping to do so might mean that I'd lose whatever ego boost I gain by wearing my exhaustion badge proudly where everyone can see it.
It's like being exhausted because of my hustle means that I'm probably doing something right, right?
To Not Work is Shameful
The potential shame of not being perceived as productive or hard-working propelled me to constant busyness. After all I am a man, and I need to show others and myself how worthy of respect I am right? Shame echoed many questions in my mind; will others think less of me if I am not “working”? What will my family say? What will my friends and community think of me? Worst of all how will I respect myself if I am not working or busy doing something?
But is this true testing this assumption against the love of my friends and family for me, and more importantly my love for myself?
Business = Productivity, and Productivity is My Life's Purpose
I've wrestled with the idea that to not be creating value, to not be moving closer to my personal goals and dreams, to no be doing something at any given moment in time means that I do not have worth. Inversely I have believed that to always be doing something, to always be in a hurry, to maintain an overbooked calendar means that I am worthy. But am I not ok just as I am?
Self-care is optional right now, I'll leave it for when I have more__________
I tend to be become very pragmatic and or cheap when it's crunch time and things need to get done. This usually means sacrificing my own physical, emotional, and spiritual well being because I somehow feel that “the show” must go on. However after having developed notable health issues in 2012 because of the amount of physical stress I had put on myself I realized (slowly but surely) that my overall health was not worth sacrificing for whatever task that “had” to get done. I needed rest, however achieving it would be much easier prescribed than done.
If I stop doing _______ then the world will end!
I ask myself many times if in the grand scheme of my life doing or not doing _______ is going to really matter when all is said and done?